im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
