I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
