You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
