Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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