You're my little dorito
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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