I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
