dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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