HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
