shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
