when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
