I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
