This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
