All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
