WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
