im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
