For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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