There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
