saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I am one with the molecules
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
