rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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