You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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