I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
