I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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