There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
