mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
