I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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