I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
