i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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