I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
