i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
