Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
