Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
