I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
