my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
