im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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