I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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