watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
