just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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