yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
