I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
