Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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