I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
