He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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