He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
