Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Acid is not a monday night drug
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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