I love black thongs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
