i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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