He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
