what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
