That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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