When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
