the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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