I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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