Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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