I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
