got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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